So is it onyx, is it ebony, or is it midnight?
Exactly how many shades of so-called black can curtain fabric come in?
Surely all these different, poncy names are just a way of the manufacturers saying that none of them are actually black.
Showing posts with label annoying stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoying stuff. Show all posts
Monday, 17 May 2010
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Herders Anonymous
Why is it that, whenever I park my car down the empty end of any car park, I can always guarantee that there will be somebody parked right next to me when I return to my car?
I deliberately park away from everybody else so that I can open my doors wide without having to worry about bumping anybody, yet — EVERY SINGLE TIME — I come back to find that I've got to squeeze myself through a two inch gap, even though there are empty spaces for about two miles in all directions.
Now I realise that the part of the car park in which is park my car automatically becomes the cool part, but surely common sense would dictate that — in a virtually empty car park — everybody has lots of lovely, lovely space around them?
Actually, I'm beginning to suspect some kind of herding instinct.
Sunday, 13 May 2007
Furniture: A Warning
I note with interest (and increasing annoyance) that some of my desperately-needed furniture still has not arrived.
And, considering the fiasco with the bookcase, I'm now quite worried about what will eventually turn up anyway.
So, in summary, I would like to say that – unless the question is "what is an incredibly annoying, frustrating and unnecessarily complicated way of furnishing a room" – the answer is most definitely not "mail-order flat-pack".
Sunday, 29 April 2007
Round 4: Architecture In The 1920s
I attended a quiz night tonight.
We did quite badly. But I find no shame in that.
I swear you'd have to be some kind of over-sixty anal retentive who's never left the house to be able to answer most of those questions correctly.
And why can't quiz masters feature music that I've actually heard at some point in my life, and not just raid their mum's old 45s? Is it too much to ask for a couple of nice, modern CDs to feature?
Mind you, if they were that technologically advanced, more of them would be able to figure out how their mics works before causing feedback so loud that nobody in the room will ever be able to hear that particular pitch again, then hardly being heard at all because the bloody thing isn't plugged in properly, and then giving up and just shouting.
Tuesday, 10 April 2007
Egg Balancing
I conferred today with other people who also had a Cadbury's Creme Egg Minis Easter Egg this year.
The consensus seems to be that the standard number of actual Creme Egg Minis that you should expect to find inside one of these Easter Eggs is a less-than-impressive two. Not great, I'm sure you'll agree; but since two is more than one, the manufacturer is not technically inaccurate here in their use of the word minis. Personally, however, I do consider it rather cheeky.
Anyway, the nature of balance in all things leads me to subsequently conclude from this revelation that if some of us have only received one of these miniature chocolate eggs when the standard is set at two, then somewhere out there are people who got three.
Which can ultimately mean only one thing:
Somebody has got my Creme Egg.
So, if this is you, please feel free to either pop the superfluous egg in the post – to the usual address, or just leave it on top of my car.
Thank you.
Thursday, 5 April 2007
How Many Creme Egg Minis Does It Take To Fill An Easter Egg?
I confess I've just opened an Easter egg a little early.
I did have my reasons, but they are too dull to go into in any great detail. I will simply say that they involved the craving for something sweet, and something that I once heard on the BBC about an ingredient in chocolate being good for coughs.
And I have one hell of a cough right now.
Yes, yes… I'll see a doctor next week. Honest.
Still, I was a little bemused to discover that the promised "bag of Cadbury Creme Egg Minis" supposedly enclosed within the hollow chocolate egg was actually more a "bag of Cadbury Creme Egg Mini".
In fact, they could really have not bothered with bagging it at all. What were the makers worried would happen? It might scatter all over the floor when I separated the halves?
The (somewhat blurry and badly photographed) lie
The shocking reality
It's a sad (and deeply disappointing) day when confectionery manufacturers don't know the difference between singular and plural.
Monday, 2 April 2007
"The Night Seems To Fade…"
I keep getting Kingston Town in my head on loop.
It's been happening for a couple of days now. I wish I knew what was triggering it.
I know that the short bit of music that Windows plays when it starts up sometimes leads me to have Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi in my head, as it reminds me of part of the instrumental in the middle. I can sort of understand that, but this recent invasion of UB40 seems totally random.
I also now keep being haunted by Ravel's Bolero and a random Queen number crossed with one of the songs from the movie Labyrinth.
If anybody has any suggestions or insights into this – or if you just think that I'm going off my rocker – please feel free to let me know.
Tuesday, 27 February 2007
Trouble Comes In Twenty-Sevens
The alarm didn't go off this morning.
I don't know why.
Then my card was declined at the petrol station.
It turns out that a cheque I wrote out three weeks ago has only just hit me and has now taken me into the red.
Now, Biscuits has bitten my nose. For the umpteenth time.
They say that trouble comes in threes. I hope that they're right, whoever they are.
Actually, now that I think about it, there was a mahoosive spider in the bedroom earlier… Does that mean I've just had the first of another three troubles? Or does it mean I've got to have three lots of three misfortunes today?
And if, instead, I just decide to blindly hope that trouble actually comes in fours – and that I've therefore now had my lot for the day – would I just be setting us all up for an additional, impromptu problem the next time any of us is scheduled to have (what should be) three?
It pays to be prepared for these things, you know.
Sunday, 25 February 2007
Retraction: Most Haunted
So, we actually found ourselves watching Most Haunted Live last night, and I feel the need to make a retraction: Yvette Fielding was utterly fearless the entire time.
And, what's more, nothing touched her hair.
The historian's a bit dodgy, though.
Personally, I would have thought that the idea of researching a name that the investigators have given you was quite a simple one, but apparently it's quite a complicated process.
Apparently what you really have to do is change the initial letter, add a couple of syllables – in fact, come up with a name that is completely different in every single way, but that features in the research that you've already done on the place – and then offer that back to them preceded with the line "well, that sounds a bit like…" or "what I think you meant was…" and then follow it up with: "and, since that's the *family name / nickname / job title / second cousin* of the *owner / designer / gardener / dog-walker* of the *house / castle / cattle shed / military bunker*, then it's hardly a surprise that it's come up – ha ha ha! – aren't I an incredibly smug historian?".
I'd give you a precise example, but I absolutely cannot be bothered.
Feel free to just take my word for it.
Thursday, 22 February 2007
Wiiings, My Arse
Not that I ever really hold out much hope for Red Bull adverts, but what sort of crappy superhero would actually put empty cans back into the fridge anyway?
You'd never catch Bananaman pulling an idiotic stunt like that.
EDIT: Mind you, with all that potassium in his system, he's probably got no need for energy drinks.
Monday, 19 February 2007
Wednesday, 14 February 2007
Tip Of The Day: Irritating Rattling In Your Car
Yes, it seems that I really do learn something new every day.
Having a half-empty '100' pack of Tic Tacs in your hatchback is – for the ears, at least – almost exactly the car equivalent of clipping those little rattly plastic things that used to come free in boxes of Frosties onto the spokes of your BMX.
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
So Why Can't All The Good Things In Life Come Without Downsides …?
Like television adverts without the desperately smug and irritating actors?
Or sugar-free soft drinks without the carcinogens?
Just a thought.
Monday, 5 February 2007
Bloody Silly Woman
"When I need to rummage around and find something in my handbag, what I like to do is stand right in front of important doorways, so that nobody can get through."
Okay, so perhaps that wasn't quite what she was thinking this afternoon, but I'm sure I'm pretty close.
Possibly she was also thinking that doing all of this whilst wearing a bizarre pink trouser suit would somehow enable her to do this with a little more finesse.
You know, I spent over six hours on the road over the weekend during my little excursion to Liverpool, and I swear that nobody tailgated me until the final stretch of the M1 on my journey home.
Technically, there was some woman in a white hatchback who was right up my arse on the M6, whilst chatting on her mobile, but, even then, I was over halfway home by that time.
Can it be that people are better drivers the further north you go?
Perhaps I should move. It might do my blood pressure some good.
Thursday, 25 January 2007
Somebody Stole The Canoe!
I suppose that I shouldn't really be surprised that the canoe wasn't going to hang around forever, but it's still a little disturbing that it has actually been stolen.
And there was me and my friends wanting to stage it on a nice busy roundabout somewhere, with a stuffed hooded top hanging out of it – like somebody had fallen out of the sky and crashed nose first into the grass.
Friday, 19 January 2007
Silly Day
It didn't start all that well, to be honest.
I needed to iron something this morning, so I had to move the dustbin-bag-slash-makeshift-kitchen-bin that was blocking the cupboard in which the iron and the ironing board live Unfortunately, I had nothing on my feet, and I duly discovered – the unpleasant way – that some sort of wet and nasty rotten ick had decided to ooze out of the bottom of the bin bag.
I'd only just gotten out of the shower. I went straight back in it again.
Actually, in retrospect, I'm quite grateful that I hadn't put any socks on yet; but, amazingly, this did not occur to me at the time.
You know, I really, really feel the need to wash my feet again.
I got stuck in the multi-storey car park today as well. I've actually got a season ticket thingy, which is supposed to let me in and out again without my having to use the normal ticket machines, but this afternoon it chose not to work.
Instead, I had the privilege of sitting in my car at the card slot with my hazard lights on, waiting for the car park man to walk down and help me, whilst looking like one of those numpties who don't realise that you're supposed to pay on foot before you get back in your car.
I felt so proud.
Fortunately, there are two card slots on the exit, so I didn't hold anyone up. There's only one on the entrance, though, so I hope it doesn't all go pear-shaped the next time I try to park in there.
And now, just to add insult to injury, my laptop keeps shutting down whilst I'm trying to import some video I took a few months ago.
I admit that my wonderful holiday scenes of Extreme Duck, Defecating Otters, Gurning Boyfriend and The House that Will One Day Be Mine are not the most important pieces of video history that I will ever make, but I'd still like to be able to make some use of them.
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Bloody Van Drivers: A Rant
As I was driving home tonight, doing the usual slalom between the parked cars and dodging the other traffic, a large van in front of me did something I wasn't expecting.
We were both sat behind a parked car, waiting for the oncoming one to get out of our way. The van had his right indicator on, as well he might in that situation.
But, when the road ahead had cleared, instead of pulling out and overtaking the parked car – as I had been expecting – he pulled over to the right, and used the entrance to a bungalow's driveway as a lay by.
Now, I could tell that this was a bit naughty for three reasons:
- Firstly, by parking the way he had, he had positioned himself at a right-angle to the driveway itself. This odd perching behaviour said to me that he had no actual business at these premises.
- Secondly, it was a large drive and, by parking in this frankly bizarre manner, he was unnecessarily blocking access to it. This seemed a little strange and a bit stupid in itself. And also indicative of somebody who knew they should not have been there.
- Lastly (and this is the worse bit), it was my fucking drive!
And did I mention the bit about me being on my way home?
The bit that really got me peeved was when I sounded my horn and he just scuttled forward a few inches as if he thought that I was struggling to pass him. So, not did he show himself to be an inconsiderate arse, he also went on to impress me further by making the immediate assumption that I was some sort of rubbish girly-girl driver who couldn't squeeze her ickle car through an enormous gap.
I stayed put and beeped again. He sodded off eventually.
Monday, 1 January 2007
What A Great Start To The Year
I've woken up (very late) and I've got Chopsticks playing in my head on permanent loop.
I knew I shouldn't have watched the end of Big the other night.
Mind you, if I hadn't stayed up until six o'clock last night/this morning, I might not be so susceptible to rubbish like this.
I blame karaoke.
Friday, 29 December 2006
Windows Updates
Updates? Bug fixes? Improvements, my arse!
I feel like setting fire to the bloody thing at the moment.
Wednesday, 13 December 2006
Why Do We Even Have An Answerphone?
A lesson I have learnt is that it is significantly easier and less faffy to use the answerphone to screen calls than it is to just answer them willy-nilly. It isn't that I won't talk to people, it's just that it's nicer to know who they are first so that I can decide if I want to talk to them right now.
Yet the amount of people who get as far as the answerphone, hang up and then phone again half an hour later is alarming. They don't seem to understand that they will NEVER get to speak to anybody, and we will all be forced to live our lives in a perpetual annoying and frustrating state where nobody answers their calls and our phone never stops bloody ringing.
Add into that the fact that our answerphone seems to like recording the ol' hang-up noise as an answerphone message, and we also have to clear it regularly of unwanted 'BUUUUUURB' noises.
It's almost like a battle of wills now. It's a case of waiting to see which of us will buckle and give in first.
Personally, My money's on it being everybody else.
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