It's A Miracle We Made It Through The Stone Age

"I'd been out shopping one afternoon.

I hadn't noticed, but whilst I was walking a bit of the thread at the bottom of my trousers had been gradually working itself loose. I was wearing open-toed stilettos, and eventually this piece of loose thread became so long that it managed to wrap itself around one of my exposed toes, nearly garotting me in the process.

I fell heavily, narrowly missing the lorry that was passing in a neighbouring village, onto the rock-hard paving; bruising my coccyx in the process and scattering my newly-bought lunch – which was then immediately devoured by pigeons and passing hobos. I was left both malnourished and injured.

As if this wasn't bad enough, I'd also managed to inadvertently launch my heavy shopping bags – shot put style – as I fell, straight into an oncoming crowd of school children, decapitating one of them and seriously maiming three others. The pitch of their distressed cries then caused the windows in all the nearby buildings to shatter, and great deadly shards of glass rained down on everyone, nearly taking out both my eyes.

As we all scrambled for shelter, one particularly sharp glass shard managed to cut clean through the lead that was tethering an enormous rabid dog to a postbox. The animal got free and proceeded to run amok, eating an old lady and infecting everybody else with botulism and agoraphobia.

At the same time as all this was going on, an undersea earthquake in the Pacific Ocean caused distressed yaks all over the world to stampede, and the combined pounding of their strong hooves managed to knock the entire Earth slightly off its axis. All the seasons then shifted back by one, causing my porch to flood, and ruining my prize turnips.

I needed compensation…"

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