More of the same, only worseMy Life As A Virgin Media Customer
So,
The Simpsons.
Bye bye, Sky channels.
Sometimes,
We used to watch you.
Admittedly,
Mostly for
Although,
We always seemed to be watching repeats.
Specifically,
That bloody Jazz Man episode.
And
The one with the crazy golf competition.
And
The one where Bart runs away.
And
That one with Sideshow Bob.
And
That other one with Sideshow Bob.
And
Another one with Sideshow Bob. But,
Strangely,
Never the one with his brother
Which,
Ironically, I'd actually like to see again.
Wednesday 28 February 2007
Poetry Time [No. 3]
Tuesday 27 February 2007
Trouble Comes In Twenty-Sevens
The alarm didn't go off this morning.
I don't know why.
Then my card was declined at the petrol station.
It turns out that a cheque I wrote out three weeks ago has only just hit me and has now taken me into the red.
Now, Biscuits has bitten my nose. For the umpteenth time.
They say that trouble comes in threes. I hope that they're right, whoever they are.
Actually, now that I think about it, there was a mahoosive spider in the bedroom earlier… Does that mean I've just had the first of another three troubles? Or does it mean I've got to have three lots of three misfortunes today?
And if, instead, I just decide to blindly hope that trouble actually comes in fours – and that I've therefore now had my lot for the day – would I just be setting us all up for an additional, impromptu problem the next time any of us is scheduled to have (what should be) three?
It pays to be prepared for these things, you know.
Monday 26 February 2007
Rough Night + Long Day = Out Of It
I was followed by a gonk today.
I was driving home and a Fiesta came up behind me; and all that I could see of the driver was the top of a head, a pair of eyes, a nose, and some fingers poking over the steering wheel.
I'd never really imagined gonks driving cars, but now I've seen it with my own eyes.
I don't mean to stereotype – I do understand that gonks are widely diverse creatures – but I'd like to think that instead of using the horn, she could just honk her nose.
In fact, I wouldn't mind being able to do that myself. It might come in handy the next time I'm out shopping and the person in front of me just stops for no reason.
Yes, sorry: I've gone a bit crazy today. I didn't get much sleep last night and some of my marbles took the opportunity to go on a little vacation.
I am aware of it, but sadly admitting that I've got a problem does not actually empower me at all. It just doesn't seem to work like that.
I guess we've all just got to wait it out. Sorry.
A loud hair-dryer-sounding motorcycle drove past the house a little earlier, and I found myself commenting aloud that it sounded like a felt-tip pen.
I also apparently think it would be useful if I could honk my nose really loudly.
I'm sure that I speak for everybody when I say that I hope that I get some sleep tonight.
Sunday 25 February 2007
Retraction: Most Haunted
So, we actually found ourselves watching Most Haunted Live last night, and I feel the need to make a retraction: Yvette Fielding was utterly fearless the entire time.
And, what's more, nothing touched her hair.
The historian's a bit dodgy, though.
Personally, I would have thought that the idea of researching a name that the investigators have given you was quite a simple one, but apparently it's quite a complicated process.
Apparently what you really have to do is change the initial letter, add a couple of syllables – in fact, come up with a name that is completely different in every single way, but that features in the research that you've already done on the place – and then offer that back to them preceded with the line "well, that sounds a bit like…" or "what I think you meant was…" and then follow it up with: "and, since that's the *family name / nickname / job title / second cousin* of the *owner / designer / gardener / dog-walker* of the *house / castle / cattle shed / military bunker*, then it's hardly a surprise that it's come up – ha ha ha! – aren't I an incredibly smug historian?".
I'd give you a precise example, but I absolutely cannot be bothered.
Feel free to just take my word for it.
Saturday 24 February 2007
Friday 23 February 2007
Careless Crisper
I've been reminded of an important point by the label on one of our tea towels. I have been reminded – and not in any vague or abstract manner – that carelessness causes fire.
Well, that's put me right back in my place. No more throwing wet cutlery around for me. I'd hate to accidentally stab somebody in the eye with a flying fork or knife and have a fire break out.
Thursday 22 February 2007
Wiiings, My Arse
Not that I ever really hold out much hope for Red Bull adverts, but what sort of crappy superhero would actually put empty cans back into the fridge anyway?
You'd never catch Bananaman pulling an idiotic stunt like that.
EDIT: Mind you, with all that potassium in his system, he's probably got no need for energy drinks.
Wednesday 21 February 2007
I Think My Days Are Numbered
He's brought the lurgy into the house.
I reckon that this gives me no more than about four days before I'm in the throes of it too.
I can't wait.
Oh, no—
Sorry—
I can wait.
Tuesday 20 February 2007
You For Coffee
We were in the local supermarket tonight, buying some coffee, and a boy of about nine came up beside us, studied the ground coffee, and exclaimed "Yes! Yes! Yes!" very excitedly.
Typically, there turned out to be a really boring and uninteresting reason for this; but it was amusing for a while.
Quiet day, today. Sorry.
I can't make stupid stuff happen.
Well, obviously, that's not entirely true – I make stupid stuff happen all the time. This is part of my charm.
But that doesn't mean that the stupid stuff I make happen is stuff I'd necessarily want to share; so, for the purposes of this blog, today was a quiet day where nothing stupid happened at all.
Monday 19 February 2007
Sunday 18 February 2007
Paul Anka Blinded My Boyfriend!
Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too orange.
At least, though, nobody will ever forget your face – it's not really possible when your image has been burned onto their retinas.
Saturday 17 February 2007
"Yes, I'm Getting Flavours Of Burnt Cucumber And Octopus, And Just A Hint Of Tyre Fire…"
We went to a wine tasting this evening. It was very silly.
I never actually worked out quite what we were supposed to do with it, but we were given a big list of descriptions to – I can really only assume – help us report back on each wine (which a representative from each table had to do). It included things like cat's pee, wet cardboard, dry cardboard, petrol, mould and pencil shavings.
Now, I wouldn't have the first idea what most of those smell like – and I certainly have no idea whatsoever what any of them taste like – so, I'm still a little confused about what was going on.
And, ironically, I thought that one of the wines smelt like Harpic and tasted like soap, whilst another one tasted like Germalene – and none of those delights of the senses were on my all-knowing wonderlist of comparisons.
Jilly Goolden, watch out – there's a new kid in town.
Or possibly not.
Wine gives me migraine, anyway.
Thursday 15 February 2007
A Fruit AND A Nut?
Now, I can see why food companies might think it a good idea to market their healthier foods by drawing attention to the benefits of a better diet, but I do question somebody's decision to plaster a huge You Are What You Eat slogan across a packet of Fruit and Nut Mix.
Wednesday 14 February 2007
Tip Of The Day: Irritating Rattling In Your Car
Yes, it seems that I really do learn something new every day.
Having a half-empty '100' pack of Tic Tacs in your hatchback is – for the ears, at least – almost exactly the car equivalent of clipping those little rattly plastic things that used to come free in boxes of Frosties onto the spokes of your BMX.
Tuesday 13 February 2007
Tip Of The Day: Rubber Thingamabobs
Avoid unnecessarily flinging your grippy rubber finger oojamaflips down toilet bowls by using a smaller size – one that actually fits on your finger and doesn't turn into a bouncy and unpredictable projectile when you gesticulate.
(Yes, today I made a discovery.)
Monday 12 February 2007
"I Can Now Control The Speed And Direction Of The Rotating Diner Via These Mounted Binoculars!"
I cannot believe that Sam and Max Hit the Road has sat unplayed in my PC games collection for so many years.
Whatever was I thinking?
Sunday 11 February 2007
Most Haunted?
That Most Haunted came on the unattended television set last night. It's not that I'm in the habit of leaving the television switched on to just run and run, by the way, it's just that something else that we had been watching had ended, and we were still in the process of switching it off.
Anyway, so Most Haunted came on, and it got me thinking: how many series of that show have there been now? And how many episodes have there been per series?
Right, now I've just done a quick cursory glance of the accompanying website, and there's mention on there of a Series 8 with a list of fourteen locations. So, let's take fourteen to be an approximate average. In that case, over a period of eight series, that would come to a total of 112 locations to date.
And the program still seems to be going strong.
So, at what point are these places going to cease to actually be the most haunted, and just be somewhat haunted, or vaguely haunted, or "well, I went in there once, and I swear that when I came out my shoes were on the wrong feet" probably-not-even-remotely-haunted?
Technically, I suppose, the title could be short for The Top 100,000 Most Haunted Places, but I doubt the producers would want to tie themselves down to so few episodes.
Not that I am knocking Most Haunted in any way, shape or form. I have no quarrel with the program at all; even though, from the few occasions that I have actually seen parts of it, it could just as effectively be called Yvette Fielding Gets Scared At Stuff Nobody Else Can See, In a Different Location Each Week.
When I was a kid, Yvette Fielding presented Blue Peter. And, frankly it amazes me that the same woman who could create such horrific pancakes could be frightened of anything.
Saturday 10 February 2007
Well, On The Plus Side…
… we've just saved ourselves about £5 in taxi fairs.
Admittedly, we had to trudge through heavy rain, up about half a mile of bypass – with no pavement, and whilst having to step up into the sopping marshland by the roadside every time a car came (which was alarmingly frequently – and then along a further half mile or so home.
I am absolutely bedraggled. My trousers are soaked as far up the leg at the back as my knees, and covered in mud. My shoes are soaked. My socks are – randomly – also sopping wet. My hair is dripping down my back.
But, it's all good because we saved a fiver.
Friday 9 February 2007
Rubber Thingies: A Confession
I'd been using one of those little rubber finger thingies this afternoon. You know: the things that you wear so that you can rifle through papers easier.
I went to use the toilet, and I realised that I'd forgotten to take the cursed thing off.
To be honest, I figured that I'd probably get away with leaving it right where it was; but, it seems I was mistaken: just as I was about done, I heard an unnerving ping. I looked down, and a dark shadow – somehow – beneath the used toilet paper confirmed my worst suspicion.
What are the odds of that? I bet I couldn't ping a rubber thingy off my finger and directly into a toilet bowl behind me on purpose. I can't even figure out how it managed to get in there at all, let alone how it ended up under the paper. Technically, an entire me was stood right in its way. And that was before it had to contend with the ample two-ply defence lying in ambush inside the toilet.
Naturally, I responded the only way I knew how. I flushed. Rubber thingy and all.
So, if anybody's plumbing goes all screwy today, and it turns out that the cause is a little knobbly bit of rubber that has jammed up a pipe, then I assure you that I know nothing about it whatsoever.
Thursday 8 February 2007
Carnosaur 2. Oh, Yes.
I've just found a great-sounding film starting on the telly.
The blurb?
"A repair team races against time to control radiation leaks while simultaneously avoiding a horde of dinosaurs."
Fantastic.
This sounds like it could be almost as good as The Sound of Horror.
Do not think for one moment, however, that I am going to sit and watch it, then report back later – I'm still feeling the sting of Snakes on a Train and I think I've reached my bad movie quota for a good few weeks.
And, also, do not be deluded into thinking that I've got something more to say on the matter, because I'm really feeling quite terse today; as I shall demonstrate in more detail imminently.
Wednesday 7 February 2007
Top Trucks
I passed a truck this morning that had, written across its front, just above the windscreen:
Truck Of The Year 2002
Now, this has got me thinking: does this accolade apply to all trucks of this make and model? Or, five years ago, did this particular truck do something above and beyond the call of middleweight vehicular duty?
Perhaps it was used to hoist out some children who were stuck down a well, or maybe it was an effective and usefully mobile weapon in the fight against organised crime? Could it be that its roomy interior enabled a dangerous beast to be apprehended without anybody being harmed in the process, or that its comfortable front seats and ample leg-room let somebody stretch out and relax enough to receive the inspiration to invent some devastatingly useful and life-changing piece of technology?
One that wasn't onboard computers in toothbrushes, that is.
Admittedly, without my having actually seen inside this wonder of modern road travel, most of this is pure speculation; but I'd like to think that I'm on to something here.
Alternatively, of course, there's also the option that it was lovingly cleaned and polished up before being paraded around an arena in front of lots of people, with somebody in jodhpurs and a riding cap engaging in some kind of silly standing-up-and-sitting-down fannying-around behaviour on its roof.
This is also a satisfying image.
Tuesday 6 February 2007
So Why Can't All The Good Things In Life Come Without Downsides …?
Like television adverts without the desperately smug and irritating actors?
Or sugar-free soft drinks without the carcinogens?
Just a thought.
Monday 5 February 2007
Bloody Silly Woman
"When I need to rummage around and find something in my handbag, what I like to do is stand right in front of important doorways, so that nobody can get through."
Okay, so perhaps that wasn't quite what she was thinking this afternoon, but I'm sure I'm pretty close.
Possibly she was also thinking that doing all of this whilst wearing a bizarre pink trouser suit would somehow enable her to do this with a little more finesse.
You know, I spent over six hours on the road over the weekend during my little excursion to Liverpool, and I swear that nobody tailgated me until the final stretch of the M1 on my journey home.
Technically, there was some woman in a white hatchback who was right up my arse on the M6, whilst chatting on her mobile, but, even then, I was over halfway home by that time.
Can it be that people are better drivers the further north you go?
Perhaps I should move. It might do my blood pressure some good.
Saturday 3 February 2007
Adventures Up The M6
I'm off adventuring today. I'm going to Liverpool.
I've never been there before.
I've already got my directions sorted out, but I've got the horrible dilemma of should I pay £4 to use the toll road, or risk alleged roadworks?
Not dreadfully interesting, I'll grant you. But it's what I'm thinking about this morning, so "ner ner ner-ner ner".
Thursday 1 February 2007
It Will Destroy Tokyo!
Biscuits is in an exceptionally bad mood tonight.
No one is safe.
"Hnuuuung!" says Biscuits, in a very overused photograph.
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