I'm in love.
With these:
and these:
Outrageously cute.
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Saturday, 27 January 2007
I Know What You're Thinking
And the answer is yes: mild curry flavour.
Not that I see the point of curry coming in anything other than melt your face flavour. But, then again, my ability to eat spicy food does frighten most of the people that I meet. I'm probably lucky that I haven't yet been kidnapped by a travelling circus and put in the freak show.
Mind you, those of us that haven't been kidnapped by a travelling circus for any reason whatsoever are all very lucky.
Anyway, getting back to what's important here, mild curry was the only flavour in the cupboard. It seems that I was wrong yesterday when I stated that we'd bought some more.
Note to self: stock up on Super Noodles before the offer ends.
Thought For The Day
For those of you that this applies to, think about how you've never been kidnapped by a travelling circus, and think yourselves very, very lucky indeed.
For those of you who have been kidnapped by a travelling circus, think about ways to escape whilst maiming as many of the bastards as possible in the process.
Friday, 26 January 2007
Slow News Day
I'm just pondering whether or not tomorrow will be yet another Super Noodles Saturday.
I confess, they are still on offer in the supermarket. And we have purchased more.
It really could happen. Only time will tell.
More on this exciting story as it breaks.
There isn't much by way of news today, as you can probably tell.
The car park's been working fine all week. I haven't had to sit anywhere – stationary and with my hazard lights on – looking like a twit whilst waiting for my knight in grubby fluorescent vest to come to my aid and release me from almost certain multi-storey peril.
Biscuits the grumpy ferret hasn't tried to eat me at all yet. (To be fair, he's still sleeping, though (dreaming grumpy dreams, I expect).)
The whole Fun With Busted Canoes part of my life seems to be disappointingly over. Technically, I could go and get it back as it's only by the side of the road, just around the corner. But that seems far too much like hard work – it's dead to me now.
And in a shocking break from the norm, I've nothing on my mind that I feel like ranting about right this minute.
Actually, my CD/DVD drive is on the blink. I suppose that's some kind of news, albeit a rubbishy kind.
I tried to import a CD into iTunes this week, with disastrous consequences. It was like the aural equivalent of taking a £100 camcorder into the cinema and trying to film The Last King of Scotland.
Me being the cunning and tenacious sod that I am, I managed to find a workaround, however.
The things I do to for quality in-car entertainment.
Thursday, 25 January 2007
Somebody Stole The Canoe!
I suppose that I shouldn't really be surprised that the canoe wasn't going to hang around forever, but it's still a little disturbing that it has actually been stolen.
And there was me and my friends wanting to stage it on a nice busy roundabout somewhere, with a stuffed hooded top hanging out of it – like somebody had fallen out of the sky and crashed nose first into the grass.
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
Snow!
Yay!
My car was covered in it this morning.
If it snows again, I might finally get a chance to make those A-Team snowmen I've been talking about all these years.
The A-Team snowmen that I will build one day. Oh, yes.
Tuesday, 23 January 2007
Found Out
It's happened at last.
The car behind me this morning finally figured out that the magic button to make the slow car at the front of the queue go faster is hidden in the back of mine.
If he'd been an inch closer, he'd have been able to reach out and press it.
With his nose.
Unfortunately, it would appear that he also passed this knowledge on to the van that was behind me this afternoon.
The bugger.
Monday, 22 January 2007
Under Attack
Biscuits seems to have got a slight case of the munchies tonight.
He's particularly interested in fingers, faces, arms and kneecaps.
The mighty Biscuitsaurus Rex. Hear his grumpy and indignant roar of annoyance: "Hurrumph!"
Sunday, 21 January 2007
Crappy Movies
It would seem that today we have found a new member for the utter tripe section of our DVD collection.
It isn't that we like buying bad films, you must understand, it's just that the combination of impossibly funny, cheesy and/or crap front covers and a desperately small price tag makes it somehow seem acceptable to buy indiscriminately.
To be honest, we've been quite lucky about this historically. I can honestly say that we have only two utterly and despicably awful DVDs in our possession.
Until tonight, that is.
Oh, yes. We now have an impressive third.
As things stood earlier today, the scourge of our DVD collection consisted only of the truly abysmal Python (starring Robert Englund and Casper Van Dien) and the frankly criminal The House of the Dead. The latter scoring highly in the being-particularly-disappointing film stakes for bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the video game of the same name, and its complete lack of the actual house.
Technically, that left us with a 50-50 giant snake/zombie split in the old appalling film stakes. Tonight's debacle, however, has swung that round to a 67-33 in favour of the giant snakes.
Yes, it was Snakes on a Train.
Note the mode of transport for these particular snakes. Not on a plane, like in another recent movie, but on a train. Oh, yes. Very clever what the writers did there.
I'd like to point out at this juncture, that I only parted with £2.97 for this marvel of the televisual arts. I stand by my decision. It was worth it.
It was worth it for the spectacularly bad ending. And the pain we'll be able to inflict on visiting friends.
Commuting reptiles: bloody atrocious.
Saturday, 20 January 2007
Further Unpleasantness
It isn't actually a case of Saturdays being Super Noodles Days, it just seems to have worked out that the last two Saturdays have been ripe with Super-Noodly goodness.
Rest assured, however, this is only because they were on offer in the supermarket. The madness ends here.
Well, actually, the madness will end once the remaining two packets have been used.
Unless, of course, they're still on offer next time we go shopping; in which case, the madness will probably begin again, same time next week.
So, actually, it's looking like Saturdays very much could be Super Noodles Days after all.
There's been further nastiness today.
If I was asked to rate it on some sort of unholy Scale of Horribleness, I would probably have to say that this would score even higher than standing barefoot in horrible mouldy ick. Like I did yesterday.
Today's nastiness involved our Vax.
It was by no means the Vax's fault. Events just conspired against us all.
The details are not really important, but let's just say that today I discovered that the combination of decomposing cabbage, and the sorts of things that come out of a ferret's bottom is a wholly unpleasant one.
I am in no way suggesting that either of those things cannot be quite unpleasant on their own, but – believe me – mix the two of them together and you'll find yourself with something much more potent and foul and utterly disgusting than the sum of its parts.
Friday, 19 January 2007
Silly Day
It didn't start all that well, to be honest.
I needed to iron something this morning, so I had to move the dustbin-bag-slash-makeshift-kitchen-bin that was blocking the cupboard in which the iron and the ironing board live Unfortunately, I had nothing on my feet, and I duly discovered – the unpleasant way – that some sort of wet and nasty rotten ick had decided to ooze out of the bottom of the bin bag.
I'd only just gotten out of the shower. I went straight back in it again.
Actually, in retrospect, I'm quite grateful that I hadn't put any socks on yet; but, amazingly, this did not occur to me at the time.
You know, I really, really feel the need to wash my feet again.
I got stuck in the multi-storey car park today as well. I've actually got a season ticket thingy, which is supposed to let me in and out again without my having to use the normal ticket machines, but this afternoon it chose not to work.
Instead, I had the privilege of sitting in my car at the card slot with my hazard lights on, waiting for the car park man to walk down and help me, whilst looking like one of those numpties who don't realise that you're supposed to pay on foot before you get back in your car.
I felt so proud.
Fortunately, there are two card slots on the exit, so I didn't hold anyone up. There's only one on the entrance, though, so I hope it doesn't all go pear-shaped the next time I try to park in there.
And now, just to add insult to injury, my laptop keeps shutting down whilst I'm trying to import some video I took a few months ago.
I admit that my wonderful holiday scenes of Extreme Duck, Defecating Otters, Gurning Boyfriend and The House that Will One Day Be Mine are not the most important pieces of video history that I will ever make, but I'd still like to be able to make some use of them.
Thursday, 18 January 2007
Other Drivers: Another Rant
Why is it that people seem to think that the closer they get to you whilst you're all stationery in traffic, the quicker they'll get to where they're going?
It's as if they seem to think that all those inches will add up and somehow magically shave five minutes off their journey time.
The worst example by far, though, is when you're on a steep incline. Now, even if I didn't have an automatic gearbox in my current car, I am confident about my hill starts; but I certainly don't expect everybody else to be. I've seen people unable to do simple turning manoeuvres without mounting the curb, and people backing into parked cars without even realising they've done it. I've seen people steering jaggedly round roundabouts in the wrong lane and with one hand holding a mobile phone to their ear. (I've seen van drivers park across my drive.) And I've seen men using electric razors whilst driving to work.
But what idiot could possibly think that squeezing right up somebody's arse on a 1 in 14 road is a good idea?
A staggeringly large number, it seems.
As ever, I despair am hopelessly optimistic about all of this.
Wednesday, 17 January 2007
I Had A Dream
Quite a disturbing dream, actually. I dreamt that the whole time we had been looking after our two ferrets, we'd actually had a third (called Sneezes) that we'd forgotten about.
That part might not actually sound all that disturbing in the grand scheme of things, but there was quite a nasty part to the dream that I'm not going to go into.
Let's just say that it's lucky for Sneezes that he doesn't exist really.
And so much for me letting Biscuits win at Tug of War the other night. He practically ate part of my foot last night, the little bugger.
It seems I just can't win: when I exercise, they like the smell of my feet and want to bite them; and when I've just showered, they like the smell of shower gel on my feet and want to bite them.
Whatever I do, I end up being nibbled. Apparently it's a great game, although I always seem to be the one who loses.
Tuesday, 16 January 2007
Arse!
I'm sure that I had something really, really good to say today, but I can't bloody remember what it was.
I had a great game of Tug of War with Biscuits last night. He won, of course: such is the nature of playing competitive games with opponents who are likely to bite your nose if they lose.
Monday, 15 January 2007
Psychic Time-Telling
I had to go up the town at lunchtime.
As I was heading back, a guy was walking alongside me, looking a bit shifty. I say shifty because he kept turning and looking at me, then quickly looking away again whenever I looked back. I got the distinct feeling that he was going to say something to me (or possibly aloud to himself about me – I've had that happen in town before). Now, I confess I am usually suspicious of all other people in general; but since the now infamous "nice pair" incident with the creepy old guy one quiet and secluded afternoon a couple of months ago, I figure it's always good to be prepared.
Anyway, this guy was walking beside me, and he turned again as if he was going to speak, but this time he looked beyond me, at the small supermarket we had just passed. He then stopped walking and turned back, as if he'd decided to go in there as an afterthought.
I carried on walking but then, about ten steps later, I found him alongside me again. By this time, I was sure he was plotting something. And, sure enough, he was: he asked me the time.
It just so happens that I had checked the clock on my phone about five minutes previous to this, so, deciding not take my eyes off him (and not to reveal my mobile phone), I simply added five minutes to the time I had seen then, and told him this. Et voilà!
It occurred to me afterwards that it must have looked as if I'd just psychically known the time. In fact, he probably went away thinking that I was the weird one.
I wish I could psychically tell the time. That would be bloody handy.
I admit that I can't think of any great examples right now of just how handy that would be exactly, but don't let my temporary lack of imagination convince you that it wouldn't be really, really good.
Sunday, 14 January 2007
WD40 Salesman Joke
A WD40 salesman walks into Stevenage Cineworld and says, "Hello, I'm a WD40 salesman. Have you ever considered the benefits of buying WD40?"
And the staff at Cineworld say, "Gosh, no, we haven't."
And the punchline?
Well, actually there isn't one. It isn't even a real joke. I just bloody wish a WD40 salesman really would walk into Stevenage Cineworld and teach them all about the benefits of using WD40. I'm sick of all the toilet doors squeaking so painfully that they almost make my ears bleed.
Yes, I've been to the cinema today. We went to see The Last King of Scotland. A good movie, all told.
The film was quite grainy, and particularly seventies-looking. Personally, I'm utterly convinced that this is how the film is meant to look, and it is not simply the result of there being anything unpleasant afoot in the cinema projection rooms. Naturally, of course, one lady still felt the need to go off afterwards and complain to the staff about it.
There always has to be one, doesn't there?
Saturday, 13 January 2007
S'Noodles!
I realised today that the thing that makes Super Noodles so super is the fact that they do not contain peas.
Unless you buy the potted version (I forget what they're called).
But I don't buy those because they have peas in them, so that's never really come up as a problem.
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Bloody Van Drivers: A Rant
As I was driving home tonight, doing the usual slalom between the parked cars and dodging the other traffic, a large van in front of me did something I wasn't expecting.
We were both sat behind a parked car, waiting for the oncoming one to get out of our way. The van had his right indicator on, as well he might in that situation.
But, when the road ahead had cleared, instead of pulling out and overtaking the parked car – as I had been expecting – he pulled over to the right, and used the entrance to a bungalow's driveway as a lay by.
Now, I could tell that this was a bit naughty for three reasons:
- Firstly, by parking the way he had, he had positioned himself at a right-angle to the driveway itself. This odd perching behaviour said to me that he had no actual business at these premises.
- Secondly, it was a large drive and, by parking in this frankly bizarre manner, he was unnecessarily blocking access to it. This seemed a little strange and a bit stupid in itself. And also indicative of somebody who knew they should not have been there.
- Lastly (and this is the worse bit), it was my fucking drive!
And did I mention the bit about me being on my way home?
The bit that really got me peeved was when I sounded my horn and he just scuttled forward a few inches as if he thought that I was struggling to pass him. So, not did he show himself to be an inconsiderate arse, he also went on to impress me further by making the immediate assumption that I was some sort of rubbish girly-girl driver who couldn't squeeze her ickle car through an enormous gap.
I stayed put and beeped again. He sodded off eventually.
Wednesday, 10 January 2007
Tip Of The Day: Raffle Tickets
Take several raffle ticket books – one in each of the main colours – with you to functions and events, and scoop up any unclaimed raffle prizes.
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
Positive Thinking Pledge
Today I have decided that, from this day forwards, I shall try to always be hopelessly optimistic about things.
I'm sure that this new hopeless optimism will serve me well.
Monday, 8 January 2007
'Ball Of Foil': Myth Or Reality?
It would seem today that there is now considerable doubt not only as to the presence of a piece of scrunched-up foil somewhere inside the delicate inner workings of Hiccups the ferret, but also with regard to its existence in general.
Nobody can really be certain that it was ever actually there in the first place.
Perhaps the whole event was imagined.
Who can say? Apparently no-one.
But, for now at least, Poo Watch is scheduled to continue as usual.
Meanwhile, Biscuits (also The Ferret) last night appeared dissatisfied with the comparatively small amount of concern regarding his inner workings and decided to express his disdain with a bold attempt at eating the plug for my computer. Out of the wall. Whilst I was using it.
I'm pleased to report, however, that he was apprehended in the act, his ingenious plan was thwarted, and there were no resulting consequences, hilarious or otherwise.
Reconstruction: The infamous 'ball of foil' – fact or fiction?
Sunday, 7 January 2007
Did He Or Didn't He?
So, the big question today:
Hiccups the ferret – did he, or did he not, eat a scrunched up piece of foil last night?
I gave him an enormous dollop of hairball laxative right before putting him to bed, and some of it seems to have worked itself through. He's not up to speed with his brother, though.
Now, is that just because he's smaller? Is it because he eats less in general? Or is it because he's eaten a rolled up piece of foil that may or may not have been on the coffee table last night?
The foil isn't there now. But is that because it's been eaten by an inquisitive ferret, or because it was never there in the first place?
Who knows?
All I do know is that much of today is going involve one or both or us poking through sloppy ferret poo with a stick.
We should really be less careless in future. I'd hate for a fire to break out.
Saturday, 6 January 2007
Potatoes
Don't ask me why or how, but today there are potatoes in the toaster.
Now I've heard many tales through the years about strange things happening in the night – things like brownies doing housework and elves cobbling shoes.
How come all I get is the Tuber Fairy and something that steals my socks?
Friday, 5 January 2007
Castle (Mis)Adventure
Over an hour in the car to find a castle that we'd seen on t'Internet, to find out that there's no public admittance.
Private, eh? That's a great idea.
I've decided that one day I too shall have my own castle. With a drawbridge, portcullis and everything. And a pirhana-filled moat…
Although, I bet that nasty man from Everest will still turn up and try to sell us double glazing.
Anyway, so no castle-viewing today, but the tale does still have a happy end: we stopped at a tiny petrol station and got a dangerously overpriced packet of crisps before coming home again. Rock on!
Thursday, 4 January 2007
Starbert Angered
In a strange kind of way, I'm going to be happy when the Christmas decorations come down tomorrow.
The bottom layer of tinsel is half-hanging off the Christmas tree; a lone bauble sits on the shelf, recently separated from its – now absent – hook; and Starbert looks most unimpressed with it all.
The latest installment has been an over-eager ferret trying to climb the window lights. With 'hilarious' consequences.
At this rate, everything's going to be shielded with perspex next year.
Starbert looks sadly on at the scene of Christmas-themed devastation before him
Wednesday, 3 January 2007
Productivity Update
So that's now a grand total of 10 hours spent over the Christmas period, lounging in my dressing gown, eating Quality Street and watching Band of Brothers on DVD.
I wish times like that came more than once a year.
I should probably point out, though, that I didn't actually spend the entire ten hours eating the Quality Street. For a start, that would have made me quite sick; and, secondly, would have required a truckload, which is a very silly quantity for any type of chocolate.
Tuesday, 2 January 2007
Huge Food
Today I attempted to eat a burger that was almost as large as my head.
It ended badly.
Actually, it ended with sticky toffee pudding, but that's an even more ridiculous story.
Monday, 1 January 2007
What A Great Start To The Year
I've woken up (very late) and I've got Chopsticks playing in my head on permanent loop.
I knew I shouldn't have watched the end of Big the other night.
Mind you, if I hadn't stayed up until six o'clock last night/this morning, I might not be so susceptible to rubbish like this.
I blame karaoke.
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