Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Second Anniversary Post
An advert has just come on the television for an air-freshener that, apparently, detects movements.
I wish somebody would put one of those in the toilets where I work. There always seem to be plenty of 'movements' in there which would warrant its use.
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Sporadic Post Shocker!
Who knows? This may even be the start of something.
I doubt it, mind.
To be honest, I'm just feeling far too wasted to do anything clever right now, and — since I'm home alone — I thought I'd be a bit pathetic and indulge you all in some more of my irreverent drivel.
Being the nice, generous and generally wonderful person that I am, I have just returned home after putting myself out of my way for a couple of hours and allowing people to practice Swedish massage on me.
This is, obviously, a great thing.
Not so great, however, is the fact that — due to being subjected to three different massages — I am now covered in not only massage oil, but also massage cream and talc as well.
I'm now concerned about letting the house get too warm, for fear I end up the filling in some sort of strange massage media pancake.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Yeah Yeah
Too busy, sorry. And have been for a fair while now.
I'll be back when I've got more free time than sense again.
In the meantime, might I recommend that you read a book or watch a movie? Or — dare I say it — try getting out more? I understand there they have such wonderful things as grass and squirrels and caribou in the great outdoors. Why not go and see what sorts of exciting adventures they're having?
And — who knows — if you take some Post-it* notes, you could even post a comment or two.
* Other brands of re-positional notes are available.
Sunday, 17 June 2007
Gah!
There are men outside destroying the road.
I wouldn't mind so much if either:
a) the men were something special to look ator
b) I could get my car out of the drivebut, sadly, I am both housebound today and without any eye-candy.
Woe is me.
Friday, 15 June 2007
Shhh!
I did something top secret today. I'd tell you what it was, but – obviously – I can't because it's top secret, and it would be a pretty crappy secret if I went around telling everybody what it was in some sort of willy-nilly fashion.
I also got to meet my friends' non-Antichrist baby today.
I am, apparently, comfortable to sleep on. Either that, or I am incredibly boring.
Tosh
I've got very little to say for myself today other than that I've recently been spending the arse-end of my evenings on YouTube and am currently particularly amused by the Dead Ringers take on Torchwood.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought those things about the Doctor Who spin-off.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
And About Time Too
*performs celebratory I Have Joined Another Gym dance*
Mind you, it's going to have to be a bloody good gym to make up for the horror and indignity of the passport photo I had to provide for my membership card. I look like something out of Prisoner: Cell Block H.
And, no, my photo will not be posted on this blog and is not available upon request – so, don't even try it.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
It's A Nice Day For Some White Washing
It is utterley imperative that I remember to put some white washing in tomorrow.
Do not let me forget!
Costume Design By A.N. Idiot
Yes, whenever I'm starring in a horror movie, and I'm planning to prowl around at night and hunt potential murderers – who may, in fact, be after me next – I like nothing better than to wear tight, bright red leather trousers and massive dangly jewellery.
It's a great way, I find, to both remain inconspicuous in the dark, and maintain maximum agility and flexibility.
Sunday, 10 June 2007
Refuse Collection
As I was leaving work the other day, I saw something that I thought was interesting.
Somebody had placed a box of stuff on their desk and labelled it with a large sign that read:
RUBBISH
PLEASE TAKE AWAY
PLEASE TAKE AWAY
What a brilliant idea!
If it works, I can think of one or two colleagues I'd like to stick that sign on.
Monsters And/Or Lunatics
I've just heard a mysterious and creepy bang from somewhere inside my room.
I hope it's not a sign of monsters and/or lunatics. Other than the ferrets, that is. Who are both.
Well, if I'm still alive in the morning, then I guess it was nothing to worry about.
Friday, 8 June 2007
Novelty Dog Shows vs Trading Standards
I saw a sign today as I was driving:
Novelty Dog Show
So, what's a novelty dog? Is it one that's had its fur painted up like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo? Or one that has six legs?
Because, frankly, I'd fail to see the novelty in anything much less.
Or is it the show itself that's supposed the novelty? Do the dogs all come in via parachute? Or, perhaps, they are each graded on their ability to play the flute and/or create a Baked Alaska and not on their good posture and voluminous coat? Or are there actually no dogs at all? That would also be quite novel.
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Introducing The Nobbly Wobbly
Today I bought the boys one of the best things ever.
I consider it a triumph of aesthetics.
The best rubbery thing ever?
And, as if that is not enough in itself, it's called a Nobbly Wobbly.
In fact, it's so good, it even – in some small way – helps compensate for the thoroughly miserable lady who served me in the shop.
I'm giving serious consideration to buying another to look pretty on my desk.
Omen Misnomer
The friends' baby has still not arrived.
I understand that it will not, therefore, be the Antichrist, after all.
I'm glad that I didn't place a bet – how silly would I have looked now?
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
The Power Of Christ Dispels You
- Astigmatic:
- Someone who experiences a visual defect in which the unequal curvature of one or more refractive surfaces of the eye – usually the cornea – prevents light rays from focusing clearly at one point on the retina, resulting in blurred vision.
- A stigmatic:
- Someone who experiences bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus.
I really must stop getting those two confused.
It's a good job I don't work as an optician; I could end up really giving somebody a bit of a fright with my diagnosis of their condition.
Monday, 4 June 2007
The Mothman Properties
Something rather odd happened last night.
I don't have curtains in my bedroom; I have blinds. Badly fitted blinds, at that.
Well, these badly-fitted blinds were slightly open last night, whilst I was sat in bed working on the computer, and I saw a strange dark shape appear in the corner of the window.
I have no idea what it was, but – if I didn't know any better – I'd say that, whatever it was, it was looking in. Creepy.
Male housemate denies knowledge.
Take It To The Bridge. Please.
I think that the ferrets may be trying to form some sort of rudimentary musical combo.
I say this because they're currently making a loud banging noise by lying on their sides and repeatedly lifting the litter trays up with their back legs.
Their sense of rhythm unfortunately leaves quite a lot to be desired, however. Personally, I'm hoping that it improves soon – if it was only a little bit more regular and rhythmic, I'd be able to GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP whilst they are practicing.
Kill Frenzy's looking quite good again right about now.
Saturday, 2 June 2007
For Shame ! ! !
For shame, indeed!
I've made a horrific discovery today.
I discovered that somebody I know very well – somebody I was so certain knew better – has been guilty of a heinous crime.
Yes, they've been using more than one exclamation mark at a time.
Now, many people who know me are already aware that I have an intense dislike of this particular method of punctuation, even when it's being used properly; but to discover this sort of abuse going on right under my nose has been an especially distressing time for me.If ever there was a punctuational equivalent of adding "Am I right, folks? Am I right? Huh? Huh?" to the end of a bad joke or unwitty remark, it is the compound use of more than one exclamation mark.
Oh, the humanity!
Friday, 1 June 2007
When The Jews Return To Zion
Friends of mine are expecting a baby. It's due today, but is still a no-show so far.
Personally, I'm suspecting a few more days of delay.
In a completely unrelated incident, I have just watched The Omen.
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