Showing posts with label pondering stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pondering stuff. Show all posts

Friday, 8 June 2007

Novelty Dog Shows vs Trading Standards

I saw a sign today as I was driving:

Novelty Dog Show

So, what's a novelty dog? Is it one that's had its fur painted up like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo? Or one that has six legs?

Because, frankly, I'd fail to see the novelty in anything much less.

Or is it the show itself that's supposed the novelty? Do the dogs all come in via parachute? Or, perhaps, they are each graded on their ability to play the flute and/or create a Baked Alaska and not on their good posture and voluminous coat? Or are there actually no dogs at all? That would also be quite novel.



Friday, 18 May 2007

Do Ferrets Dream Of Eccentric Sheep?

Upon hearing a squeak of distress from one of my little guys tonight, I immediately raced to their aid, prepared to defend them at all costs from all manner of unspeakable evil.

I found them both sleeping soundly.

Now, I'm curious as to what Squeaky Ferret was dreaming about.

I'm also hoping that it didn't involve my nose, feet or any other extremity in any way.



Monday, 23 April 2007

Rice With Death

How could I have not seen this before?

For about seven years now – SEVEN YEARS – we've been regularly visiting the same takeaway restaurant, and only now do I discover the shocking truth buried deep in a medium-sized font, in a reasonably prominent position near the bottom on the back page:

Dishes on this menu may contain allergies

I don't like those odds.

So, now I'm wondering: is it just the case that some of the dishes that may contain allergies, or am I some sort of miracle of nature to have made it through this many years without even contracting so much as hay fever?

EDIT: And exactly how difficult would it be to include a warning that dishes on this menu may contain peas?



Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Fastest Finger First

Why would an articulated lorry have a sign on its back warning of a finger trap?

Surely, if such a thing was designed to actually trap fingers, then displaying a sign drawing people's attention to its presence would defeat the object. Unless, I suppose, the point is to trap the fingers of all the silly types of people that would see a notice like that, think "finger trap, eh? We'll see about that…" *snap* "Argh!"

I guess that would be one way of getting idiots off the streets. Possibly quite a good way, actually. I might have to look into getting a gadget like that for the back of my car.

It seems more likely to me, however, that this is not, in fact, a plot to capture unwary bodily parts, but a genuine warning. However, this then raises the question of exactly why has a self-confessed finger trap been put there at all?

There's another option, I suppose. Perhaps these signs are designed to put off would-be criminals by suggesting that it's really not worth their time or trouble to attempt to break into the lorry's trailer? I mean, you see signs warning of "guard dogs" being on duty, or trespassers being shot. Perhaps these advertisements for impending digit snaring are also of this ilk.

But, even so, the prospect of possibly getting your fingers a bit tangled up doesn't seem quite as dangerous or sexy as facing down angry, slavering and pointy-toothed death, or being shot in the arse with an air rifle.

I'm afraid I just don't get it. Comments or suggestions welcome.


Sunday, 15 April 2007

Do Zombies Wear Helmets?

Whilst playing Rayman Raving Rabbids on my friend's Wii:

Me: Are you sure they're not zombie rabbits? They're coming out of graves.

Friend: Yes, but they're wearing helmets.

So, then: being undead and wearing protective headgear… Mutually exclusive?

Discuss.


Sunday, 11 March 2007

Foresight And Hindsight Insight

Whilst out with friends today, I noticed an interesting sign outside Asda:

Free eye test with every pair of glasses

Or words to that effect.

So, does that mean that you've got to buy the glasses before you get the eye test? What if you buy the wrong ones?

What if, for example, you buy glasses that correct short-sightedness and then have an eye test that concludes that you're actually long-sighted?

Will the staff just point and laugh at you, before calling you a sucker and charging you for the correct pair of glasses?

And, if that happened, would you then have to face the ultimate insult of earning another free eye test, which by now would be of no use to you?

I wonder if the free eye test is transferable. Perhaps, if one person was prepared to be the fall guy, they could get as far as buying two pairs of glasses, then pass the second free eye test on to somebody else; who could then buy the correct glasses the first time around, earn their free eye test and pass it on to somebody else. And so on and so forth.

I think it would work, but we'll come unstuck the second anybody with good vision gets caught up in the loop…

That said, I'm sure a quick poke with a fork could soon fix that.

Otherwise, I've got this nightmare vision of somebody walking into Asda, buying a nice pair of glasses and then having an free eye test that concludes that they had perfect vision all along.

And cue all the gags about hindsight being 20/20.


Sunday, 11 February 2007

Most Haunted?

That Most Haunted came on the unattended television set last night. It's not that I'm in the habit of leaving the television switched on to just run and run, by the way, it's just that something else that we had been watching had ended, and we were still in the process of switching it off.

Anyway, so Most Haunted came on, and it got me thinking: how many series of that show have there been now? And how many episodes have there been per series?

Right, now I've just done a quick cursory glance of the accompanying website, and there's mention on there of a Series 8 with a list of fourteen locations. So, let's take fourteen to be an approximate average. In that case, over a period of eight series, that would come to a total of 112 locations to date.

And the program still seems to be going strong.

So, at what point are these places going to cease to actually be the most haunted, and just be somewhat haunted, or vaguely haunted, or "well, I went in there once, and I swear that when I came out my shoes were on the wrong feet" probably-not-even-remotely-haunted?

Technically, I suppose, the title could be short for The Top 100,000 Most Haunted Places, but I doubt the producers would want to tie themselves down to so few episodes.

Not that I am knocking Most Haunted in any way, shape or form. I have no quarrel with the program at all; even though, from the few occasions that I have actually seen parts of it, it could just as effectively be called Yvette Fielding Gets Scared At Stuff Nobody Else Can See, In a Different Location Each Week.

When I was a kid, Yvette Fielding presented Blue Peter. And, frankly it amazes me that the same woman who could create such horrific pancakes could be frightened of anything.


Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Top Trucks

I passed a truck this morning that had, written across its front, just above the windscreen:

Truck Of The Year 2002

Now, this has got me thinking: does this accolade apply to all trucks of this make and model? Or, five years ago, did this particular truck do something above and beyond the call of middleweight vehicular duty?

Perhaps it was used to hoist out some children who were stuck down a well, or maybe it was an effective and usefully mobile weapon in the fight against organised crime? Could it be that its roomy interior enabled a dangerous beast to be apprehended without anybody being harmed in the process, or that its comfortable front seats and ample leg-room let somebody stretch out and relax enough to receive the inspiration to invent some devastatingly useful and life-changing piece of technology?

One that wasn't onboard computers in toothbrushes, that is.

Admittedly, without my having actually seen inside this wonder of modern road travel, most of this is pure speculation; but I'd like to think that I'm on to something here.

Alternatively, of course, there's also the option that it was lovingly cleaned and polished up before being paraded around an arena in front of lots of people, with somebody in jodhpurs and a riding cap engaging in some kind of silly standing-up-and-sitting-down fannying-around behaviour on its roof.

This is also a satisfying image.


Saturday, 3 February 2007

Adventures Up The M6

I'm off adventuring today. I'm going to Liverpool.

I've never been there before.

I've already got my directions sorted out, but I've got the horrible dilemma of should I pay £4 to use the toll road, or risk alleged roadworks?

Not dreadfully interesting, I'll grant you. But it's what I'm thinking about this morning, so "ner ner ner-ner ner".