And Another Thing…

Following on from my earlier post about suspect television adverts, it occurs to me exactly how strange the current Febreze advert* actually is.

What sort of stupid questions are those, anyway:

"Have you smelt this chair? And those curtains?"

"Actually, Mother, since I tend to put my arse in that chair rather frequently, I would generally recommend that other people keep their large — and apparently somewhat over-eager — olfactory organs quite far away from it, for fear of choking and eventual death.

"And are you quite sure you're not confusing chairs and curtains with flowers and scented candles again? Surely you of all people would remember how embarassing that was for us all last time. I couldn't look the vicar in the eye for a week."

* Sorry, but I could only find the US version.

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Finishing School Turns Them Out Young These Days

I have seen an advertisement for My Mini Baby Born dolls.

I must confess to finding them disturbing in the extreme. They look like babies, sure enough. So, why are they just so wrong?

For one thing, they're wearing jodhpurs, riding hats, and are carrying riding crops.

A real baby would not demonstrate this poise and control. No. A real baby would accidentally smack itself in the face with the riding crop, drop it and inadvertently kick it out of reach, before removing the hat and falling clumsily onto its arse.

Instead of the pristine depiction of a baby in full riding gear, looking ready for the gymkhana, what you would actually see would be more akin to a vacant-looking child sat on its bum, chewing on the brim of — and otherwise defacing — a posh hat. Whilst shitting itself.

If that's a baby, then I don't think those were vitamin pills that his mum was taking during the pregnancy

Another somewhat creepy aspect about these dolls is their height relative to their accessories. They make horses look the size of cats in comparison. And they are supposed to ride these?

What rubbish. A real baby would be tiny in comparison. It would bum-shuffle untidily across the ground towards the horse, grab one of the animal's rear legs in order to pull itself up into a standing position, belch loudly, then pull sharply on the tail, thinking it's the funniest thing ever.

I've met horses before, but I've never known one that short

Finally, I also find it incredibly worrying that these 'new borns' can apparently drive cars. In fact, not only can they drive, but they can supposedly tow horseboxes as well.

Of course, a real baby would have no hope of this. Even if they somehow managed to get the horsebox and the car coupled-up correctly, there's just no way they'd be going anywhere. Instead, they'd climb up on the seat, attempt to eat the steering wheel, and repeatedly headbutt the windscreen. And fart.

Giant bald infants in undersized cars towing midget horses are one of the primary causes of accidents in the UK

I'm not actually convinced that these dolls are babies at all. I guess the marketing divison decided that My Upper Class Bald Midget didn't have quite the same ring to it.

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Ad Break

It's lucky it's not an ambition of mine, I guess, but I've come to realise that I could never star in an advert for Vanish.

I can act; but, sadly, my eyebrows can't.

I'd have to do all the work myself, and I get the impression that that's just not the look they go for.

Perhaps I should instead go for something a little more realistic. Like an advert in which I have to pretend that I find it endearing when my little brat of a child tries to put his scooter in my dishwasher — and not actually go for his throat for bringing that filthy thing, not only inside the house, but anywhere near my nice, clean crockery.

Or one where I go into my teenage son's bedroom and sniff his chair before spraying it with any well-known odour eliminators.

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Second Anniversary Post

An advert has just come on the television for an air-freshener that, apparently, detects movements.

I wish somebody would put one of those in the toilets where I work. There always seem to be plenty of 'movements' in there which would warrant its use.

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