The Bedford Garden Implement Massacre

Ordinarily I don't mind the sound of children playing. Ordinarily.

I don't like it so much when they scream, however. Or when they insist on shouting, even though the person they're actually speaking to is standing only three feet away — children so rarely seem to master the concept of using your indoor voice.

I have discovered today, however, that the sound of children screaming can be greatly enhanced by the sound of a lawnmower.

I've no doubt that there was nothing untoward going on, and that the children were not harmed in any way — and that probably it was even a completely different garden from which this second noise came — but my overactive imagination caused me some entertainment all the same.

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Finishing School Turns Them Out Young These Days

I have seen an advertisement for My Mini Baby Born dolls.

I must confess to finding them disturbing in the extreme. They look like babies, sure enough. So, why are they just so wrong?

For one thing, they're wearing jodhpurs, riding hats, and are carrying riding crops.

A real baby would not demonstrate this poise and control. No. A real baby would accidentally smack itself in the face with the riding crop, drop it and inadvertently kick it out of reach, before removing the hat and falling clumsily onto its arse.

Instead of the pristine depiction of a baby in full riding gear, looking ready for the gymkhana, what you would actually see would be more akin to a vacant-looking child sat on its bum, chewing on the brim of — and otherwise defacing — a posh hat. Whilst shitting itself.

If that's a baby, then I don't think those were vitamin pills that his mum was taking during the pregnancy

Another somewhat creepy aspect about these dolls is their height relative to their accessories. They make horses look the size of cats in comparison. And they are supposed to ride these?

What rubbish. A real baby would be tiny in comparison. It would bum-shuffle untidily across the ground towards the horse, grab one of the animal's rear legs in order to pull itself up into a standing position, belch loudly, then pull sharply on the tail, thinking it's the funniest thing ever.

I've met horses before, but I've never known one that short

Finally, I also find it incredibly worrying that these 'new borns' can apparently drive cars. In fact, not only can they drive, but they can supposedly tow horseboxes as well.

Of course, a real baby would have no hope of this. Even if they somehow managed to get the horsebox and the car coupled-up correctly, there's just no way they'd be going anywhere. Instead, they'd climb up on the seat, attempt to eat the steering wheel, and repeatedly headbutt the windscreen. And fart.

Giant bald infants in undersized cars towing midget horses are one of the primary causes of accidents in the UK

I'm not actually convinced that these dolls are babies at all. I guess the marketing divison decided that My Upper Class Bald Midget didn't have quite the same ring to it.

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An Important Milestone Indeed

I am aware that Hasbro — a manufacturer of many fine children's games and toys, in my opinion — have a gimmick involving making simplified versions of some of their classic games, in order (I presume) to make them more accessible for younger children.

The simple clue to the identify of these games, is the addition of the words My and First at the beginning of the title.

Fair enough.

I am left wondering, however, just how much they thought this approach through when they came up with this:

My First Operation: lucky, lucky me.

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Which Came First, The Chicken Or Four-Legged Chicken/Dinosaur Thing?

Any idea what this is?

Kinda like a chicken, but with two many legs. And not nearly enough wings.

It looks great, but I have no clue as to what the model is meant to actually be.

It's like some sort of prehistoric chicken.

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Childsplay

According to the sales blurb on websites selling Hedbanz, the game is the 'classic' one of What's On My Head?

Yes, just what, indeed, is on my head?

I'm pretty sure that I am aware of the game they're trying to describe here, but — although, maybe it's just me who thinks this — I do think they could have articulated it in a slightly more specific and somewhat less disturbing manner.

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