For Shame ! ! !

For shame, indeed!

I've made a horrific discovery today.

I discovered that somebody I know very well – somebody I was so certain knew better – has been guilty of a heinous crime.

Yes, they've been using more than one exclamation mark at a time.

Now, many people who know me are already aware that I have an intense dislike of this particular method of punctuation, even when it's being used properly; but to discover this sort of abuse going on right under my nose has been an especially distressing time for me.

If ever there was a punctuational equivalent of adding "Am I right, folks? Am I right? Huh? Huh?" to the end of a bad joke or unwitty remark, it is the compound use of more than one exclamation mark.

Oh, the humanity!

---

Previous / Next

Feline Entry, My Dear Watson!

Whilst channeling hopping this evening – and having just caught the last ten minutes of Muppet Treasure Island – I found an old Sherlock Holmes movie starring Christopher Lee and Patrick Macnee.

Now, I must confess that I do find it a little difficult to believe in Christopher Lee as Sherlock Holmes – he'll always be villainous characters like Dracula, Saruman and Count Dooku for me – but there was one line of his in this particular film that will stay with me.

Watson [Macnee] was asleep (and snoring) whilst Holmes (still awake for some reason) discovered that a wild big cat had been intentionally let into their quarters (presumably to eat them both whilst they slept). Oh so very casually, he tricked it into running through a door, which he was then promptly closed behind it – thus adeptly disarming the furry fiend.

Only a little bit cheesy at this point, I agree. But it gets much, much worse.

Right on cue, Watson then woke up and asked Holmes what he was doing. To which he calmly replied:

"Just letting the cat out."

It's a worry. It really is.

---

Previous / Next

WD40 Salesman Joke

A WD40 salesman walks into Stevenage Cineworld and says, "Hello, I'm a WD40 salesman. Have you ever considered the benefits of buying WD40?"

And the staff at Cineworld say, "Gosh, no, we haven't."

And the punchline?

Well, actually there isn't one. It isn't even a real joke. I just bloody wish a WD40 salesman really would walk into Stevenage Cineworld and teach them all about the benefits of using WD40. I'm sick of all the toilet doors squeaking so painfully that they almost make my ears bleed.

---

Yes, I've been to the cinema today. We went to see The Last King of Scotland. A good movie, all told.

The film was quite grainy, and particularly seventies-looking. Personally, I'm utterly convinced that this is how the film is meant to look, and it is not simply the result of there being anything unpleasant afoot in the cinema projection rooms. Naturally, of course, one lady still felt the need to go off afterwards and complain to the staff about it.

There always has to be one, doesn't there?

---

Previous / Next

The Day The Cat Died

Somebody’s put a canoe on my car.

It’s been a long time since anything strange like that has happened. Previously I’ve returned to a car to find it covered in pieces of steak (and carnivorous pigeons), we’ve had a car egged, and a yellow Montego has developed pink spots in the night. But this canoe is a new look.
I wouldn’t mind, but whoever did it has scratched the roof.

---

As I'm typing this, my hands feel all dry and wrinkly. I’ve just had to enter the Kitchen of Doom™ and face the Washing Up of Death™. It took bloomin' ages.

To be fair, though, it isn’t really much of a Kitchen of Doom™. It’s more of a Kitchen of Washing Up™.

And I suppose the washing up can’t really be described as being Of Death, either – it should perhaps be more Of Life, since that’s what seems to keep springing up from it.

---

Also in today's news, one of the cats has died. Technically it was one of my parents’ cats, since I left home seven years ago, but he used to be my cat. I’ve had four cats in my life, and this is the third to die. That’s 75% dead cats.

I was hoping to make myself feel a little better with a tasteless (and quite poor) joke when the other half got home. The conversation was supposed to go like this:

Me: My mum phoned this morning. It’s about the cat.

Other half: Why? Is he worse? (I’d already found out that he was sick two days ago.)

Me: It’s worse than that, Jim. (Rubbish Star Trek reference.)

It did not go to plan.

---

Previous / Next