Monday, 5 March 2007

Things I've Learned From… Ghost Stories [Part 1]

1. Dental Hygiene:
Nice old people often have teeth missing.
Evil people have foul breath.

Analysis:

  • Good people always have good dental hygiene. Missing teeth are endearing. They come about purely as a result of fair-wear-and-tear and do not stem from a lack of hygiene.
  • Bad people revel in eating smelly foods and mistreating their teeth. If they have any missing, it is for these reasons.


2. Baldness:
Old men who are friends of the novel's hero(s) are usually bald.
Villainous men always have lank, greasy and dandruff-ridden hair.

Analysis:

  • Only those who are pure of heart must suffer the torment that is Male Pattern Baldness.
  • Bad people will use their ample – yet infuriatingly unkempt – hair as just another thing with which to torment you.


3. Ghost Detecting - Weather:
If a house is haunted, a swing will always move, even when there is no wind.

Analysis:

  • Why spend money on an expensive ghost detecting kit? Simply construct an outdoor play area and wait for a nice day.


4. Witnessing Paranormal Activity:
For anything supernatural to happen in a place, at least one person who does not believe in ghosts must be present.

Analysis:

  • Go into that murder house, expect a barrage of bad stuff and later leave disappointingly unharmed.


5. Children:
Children are not afraid of ghosts that talk to them.

Analysis:

  • It doesn't matter how scary you are, or how long you've been dead – striking up conversations with small children is a fantastic way to rekindle your social life.



A prize goes to anyone who can actually name the book I'm currently reading.


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