Believe it or not, there is such a thing as being too orange.
At least, though, nobody will ever forget your face – it's not really possible when your image has been burned onto their retinas.
Sunday, 18 February 2007
Saturday, 17 February 2007
"Yes, I'm Getting Flavours Of Burnt Cucumber And Octopus, And Just A Hint Of Tyre Fire…"
We went to a wine tasting this evening. It was very silly.
I never actually worked out quite what we were supposed to do with it, but we were given a big list of descriptions to – I can really only assume – help us report back on each wine (which a representative from each table had to do). It included things like cat's pee, wet cardboard, dry cardboard, petrol, mould and pencil shavings.
Now, I wouldn't have the first idea what most of those smell like – and I certainly have no idea whatsoever what any of them taste like – so, I'm still a little confused about what was going on.
And, ironically, I thought that one of the wines smelt like Harpic and tasted like soap, whilst another one tasted like Germalene – and none of those delights of the senses were on my all-knowing wonderlist of comparisons.
Jilly Goolden, watch out – there's a new kid in town.
Or possibly not.
Wine gives me migraine, anyway.
Thursday, 15 February 2007
A Fruit AND A Nut?
Now, I can see why food companies might think it a good idea to market their healthier foods by drawing attention to the benefits of a better diet, but I do question somebody's decision to plaster a huge You Are What You Eat slogan across a packet of Fruit and Nut Mix.
Wednesday, 14 February 2007
Tip Of The Day: Irritating Rattling In Your Car
Yes, it seems that I really do learn something new every day.
Having a half-empty '100' pack of Tic Tacs in your hatchback is – for the ears, at least – almost exactly the car equivalent of clipping those little rattly plastic things that used to come free in boxes of Frosties onto the spokes of your BMX.
Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Tip Of The Day: Rubber Thingamabobs
Avoid unnecessarily flinging your grippy rubber finger oojamaflips down toilet bowls by using a smaller size – one that actually fits on your finger and doesn't turn into a bouncy and unpredictable projectile when you gesticulate.
(Yes, today I made a discovery.)
Monday, 12 February 2007
"I Can Now Control The Speed And Direction Of The Rotating Diner Via These Mounted Binoculars!"
I cannot believe that Sam and Max Hit the Road has sat unplayed in my PC games collection for so many years.
Whatever was I thinking?
Sunday, 11 February 2007
Most Haunted?
That Most Haunted came on the unattended television set last night. It's not that I'm in the habit of leaving the television switched on to just run and run, by the way, it's just that something else that we had been watching had ended, and we were still in the process of switching it off.
Anyway, so Most Haunted came on, and it got me thinking: how many series of that show have there been now? And how many episodes have there been per series?
Right, now I've just done a quick cursory glance of the accompanying website, and there's mention on there of a Series 8 with a list of fourteen locations. So, let's take fourteen to be an approximate average. In that case, over a period of eight series, that would come to a total of 112 locations to date.
And the program still seems to be going strong.
So, at what point are these places going to cease to actually be the most haunted, and just be somewhat haunted, or vaguely haunted, or "well, I went in there once, and I swear that when I came out my shoes were on the wrong feet" probably-not-even-remotely-haunted?
Technically, I suppose, the title could be short for The Top 100,000 Most Haunted Places, but I doubt the producers would want to tie themselves down to so few episodes.
Not that I am knocking Most Haunted in any way, shape or form. I have no quarrel with the program at all; even though, from the few occasions that I have actually seen parts of it, it could just as effectively be called Yvette Fielding Gets Scared At Stuff Nobody Else Can See, In a Different Location Each Week.
When I was a kid, Yvette Fielding presented Blue Peter. And, frankly it amazes me that the same woman who could create such horrific pancakes could be frightened of anything.
Saturday, 10 February 2007
Well, On The Plus Side…
… we've just saved ourselves about £5 in taxi fairs.
Admittedly, we had to trudge through heavy rain, up about half a mile of bypass – with no pavement, and whilst having to step up into the sopping marshland by the roadside every time a car came (which was alarmingly frequently – and then along a further half mile or so home.
I am absolutely bedraggled. My trousers are soaked as far up the leg at the back as my knees, and covered in mud. My shoes are soaked. My socks are – randomly – also sopping wet. My hair is dripping down my back.
But, it's all good because we saved a fiver.
Friday, 9 February 2007
Rubber Thingies: A Confession
I'd been using one of those little rubber finger thingies this afternoon. You know: the things that you wear so that you can rifle through papers easier.
I went to use the toilet, and I realised that I'd forgotten to take the cursed thing off.
To be honest, I figured that I'd probably get away with leaving it right where it was; but, it seems I was mistaken: just as I was about done, I heard an unnerving ping. I looked down, and a dark shadow – somehow – beneath the used toilet paper confirmed my worst suspicion.
What are the odds of that? I bet I couldn't ping a rubber thingy off my finger and directly into a toilet bowl behind me on purpose. I can't even figure out how it managed to get in there at all, let alone how it ended up under the paper. Technically, an entire me was stood right in its way. And that was before it had to contend with the ample two-ply defence lying in ambush inside the toilet.
Naturally, I responded the only way I knew how. I flushed. Rubber thingy and all.
So, if anybody's plumbing goes all screwy today, and it turns out that the cause is a little knobbly bit of rubber that has jammed up a pipe, then I assure you that I know nothing about it whatsoever.
Thursday, 8 February 2007
Carnosaur 2. Oh, Yes.
I've just found a great-sounding film starting on the telly.
The blurb?
"A repair team races against time to control radiation leaks while simultaneously avoiding a horde of dinosaurs."
Fantastic.
This sounds like it could be almost as good as The Sound of Horror.
Do not think for one moment, however, that I am going to sit and watch it, then report back later – I'm still feeling the sting of Snakes on a Train and I think I've reached my bad movie quota for a good few weeks.
And, also, do not be deluded into thinking that I've got something more to say on the matter, because I'm really feeling quite terse today; as I shall demonstrate in more detail imminently.
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Top Trucks
I passed a truck this morning that had, written across its front, just above the windscreen:
Truck Of The Year 2002
Now, this has got me thinking: does this accolade apply to all trucks of this make and model? Or, five years ago, did this particular truck do something above and beyond the call of middleweight vehicular duty?
Perhaps it was used to hoist out some children who were stuck down a well, or maybe it was an effective and usefully mobile weapon in the fight against organised crime? Could it be that its roomy interior enabled a dangerous beast to be apprehended without anybody being harmed in the process, or that its comfortable front seats and ample leg-room let somebody stretch out and relax enough to receive the inspiration to invent some devastatingly useful and life-changing piece of technology?
One that wasn't onboard computers in toothbrushes, that is.
Admittedly, without my having actually seen inside this wonder of modern road travel, most of this is pure speculation; but I'd like to think that I'm on to something here.
Alternatively, of course, there's also the option that it was lovingly cleaned and polished up before being paraded around an arena in front of lots of people, with somebody in jodhpurs and a riding cap engaging in some kind of silly standing-up-and-sitting-down fannying-around behaviour on its roof.
This is also a satisfying image.
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
So Why Can't All The Good Things In Life Come Without Downsides …?
Like television adverts without the desperately smug and irritating actors?
Or sugar-free soft drinks without the carcinogens?
Just a thought.
Monday, 5 February 2007
Bloody Silly Woman
"When I need to rummage around and find something in my handbag, what I like to do is stand right in front of important doorways, so that nobody can get through."
Okay, so perhaps that wasn't quite what she was thinking this afternoon, but I'm sure I'm pretty close.
Possibly she was also thinking that doing all of this whilst wearing a bizarre pink trouser suit would somehow enable her to do this with a little more finesse.
You know, I spent over six hours on the road over the weekend during my little excursion to Liverpool, and I swear that nobody tailgated me until the final stretch of the M1 on my journey home.
Technically, there was some woman in a white hatchback who was right up my arse on the M6, whilst chatting on her mobile, but, even then, I was over halfway home by that time.
Can it be that people are better drivers the further north you go?
Perhaps I should move. It might do my blood pressure some good.
Saturday, 3 February 2007
Adventures Up The M6
I'm off adventuring today. I'm going to Liverpool.
I've never been there before.
I've already got my directions sorted out, but I've got the horrible dilemma of should I pay £4 to use the toll road, or risk alleged roadworks?
Not dreadfully interesting, I'll grant you. But it's what I'm thinking about this morning, so "ner ner ner-ner ner".
Thursday, 1 February 2007
It Will Destroy Tokyo!
Biscuits is in an exceptionally bad mood tonight.
No one is safe.
"Hnuuuung!" says Biscuits, in a very overused photograph.
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Saturday, 27 January 2007
I Know What You're Thinking
And the answer is yes: mild curry flavour.
Not that I see the point of curry coming in anything other than melt your face flavour. But, then again, my ability to eat spicy food does frighten most of the people that I meet. I'm probably lucky that I haven't yet been kidnapped by a travelling circus and put in the freak show.
Mind you, those of us that haven't been kidnapped by a travelling circus for any reason whatsoever are all very lucky.
Anyway, getting back to what's important here, mild curry was the only flavour in the cupboard. It seems that I was wrong yesterday when I stated that we'd bought some more.
Note to self: stock up on Super Noodles before the offer ends.
Thought For The Day
For those of you that this applies to, think about how you've never been kidnapped by a travelling circus, and think yourselves very, very lucky indeed.
For those of you who have been kidnapped by a travelling circus, think about ways to escape whilst maiming as many of the bastards as possible in the process.
Friday, 26 January 2007
Slow News Day
I'm just pondering whether or not tomorrow will be yet another Super Noodles Saturday.
I confess, they are still on offer in the supermarket. And we have purchased more.
It really could happen. Only time will tell.
More on this exciting story as it breaks.
There isn't much by way of news today, as you can probably tell.
The car park's been working fine all week. I haven't had to sit anywhere – stationary and with my hazard lights on – looking like a twit whilst waiting for my knight in grubby fluorescent vest to come to my aid and release me from almost certain multi-storey peril.
Biscuits the grumpy ferret hasn't tried to eat me at all yet. (To be fair, he's still sleeping, though (dreaming grumpy dreams, I expect).)
The whole Fun With Busted Canoes part of my life seems to be disappointingly over. Technically, I could go and get it back as it's only by the side of the road, just around the corner. But that seems far too much like hard work – it's dead to me now.
And in a shocking break from the norm, I've nothing on my mind that I feel like ranting about right this minute.
Actually, my CD/DVD drive is on the blink. I suppose that's some kind of news, albeit a rubbishy kind.
I tried to import a CD into iTunes this week, with disastrous consequences. It was like the aural equivalent of taking a £100 camcorder into the cinema and trying to film The Last King of Scotland.
Me being the cunning and tenacious sod that I am, I managed to find a workaround, however.
The things I do to for quality in-car entertainment.
Thursday, 25 January 2007
Somebody Stole The Canoe!
I suppose that I shouldn't really be surprised that the canoe wasn't going to hang around forever, but it's still a little disturbing that it has actually been stolen.
And there was me and my friends wanting to stage it on a nice busy roundabout somewhere, with a stuffed hooded top hanging out of it – like somebody had fallen out of the sky and crashed nose first into the grass.
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
Snow!
Yay!
My car was covered in it this morning.
If it snows again, I might finally get a chance to make those A-Team snowmen I've been talking about all these years.
The A-Team snowmen that I will build one day. Oh, yes.
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