Sunday 17 June 2007

Gah!

There are men outside destroying the road.

I wouldn't mind so much if either:

a) the men were something special to look at
or
b) I could get my car out of the drive
but, sadly, I am both housebound today and without any eye-candy.

Woe is me.



Friday 15 June 2007

Shhh!

I did something top secret today. I'd tell you what it was, but – obviously – I can't because it's top secret, and it would be a pretty crappy secret if I went around telling everybody what it was in some sort of willy-nilly fashion.



I also got to meet my friends' non-Antichrist baby today.

I am, apparently, comfortable to sleep on. Either that, or I am incredibly boring.



Tosh

I've got very little to say for myself today other than that I've recently been spending the arse-end of my evenings on YouTube and am currently particularly amused by the Dead Ringers take on Torchwood.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought those things about the Doctor Who spin-off.



Wednesday 13 June 2007

And About Time Too

*performs celebratory I Have Joined Another Gym dance*

Mind you, it's going to have to be a bloody good gym to make up for the horror and indignity of the passport photo I had to provide for my membership card. I look like something out of Prisoner: Cell Block H.

And, no, my photo will not be posted on this blog and is not available upon request – so, don't even try it.



Tuesday 12 June 2007

It's A Nice Day For Some White Washing

It is utterley imperative that I remember to put some white washing in tomorrow.

Do not let me forget!



Costume Design By A.N. Idiot

Yes, whenever I'm starring in a horror movie, and I'm planning to prowl around at night and hunt potential murderers – who may, in fact, be after me next – I like nothing better than to wear tight, bright red leather trousers and massive dangly jewellery.

It's a great way, I find, to both remain inconspicuous in the dark, and maintain maximum agility and flexibility.



Sunday 10 June 2007

Refuse Collection

As I was leaving work the other day, I saw something that I thought was interesting.

Somebody had placed a box of stuff on their desk and labelled it with a large sign that read:

RUBBISH
PLEASE TAKE AWAY

What a brilliant idea!

If it works, I can think of one or two colleagues I'd like to stick that sign on.



Monsters And/Or Lunatics

I've just heard a mysterious and creepy bang from somewhere inside my room.

I hope it's not a sign of monsters and/or lunatics. Other than the ferrets, that is. Who are both.

Well, if I'm still alive in the morning, then I guess it was nothing to worry about.



Friday 8 June 2007

Novelty Dog Shows vs Trading Standards

I saw a sign today as I was driving:

Novelty Dog Show

So, what's a novelty dog? Is it one that's had its fur painted up like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo? Or one that has six legs?

Because, frankly, I'd fail to see the novelty in anything much less.

Or is it the show itself that's supposed the novelty? Do the dogs all come in via parachute? Or, perhaps, they are each graded on their ability to play the flute and/or create a Baked Alaska and not on their good posture and voluminous coat? Or are there actually no dogs at all? That would also be quite novel.



Thursday 7 June 2007

Introducing The Nobbly Wobbly

Today I bought the boys one of the best things ever.

I consider it a triumph of aesthetics.

Nobbly Wobbly
The best rubbery thing ever?

And, as if that is not enough in itself, it's called a Nobbly Wobbly.

In fact, it's so good, it even – in some small way – helps compensate for the thoroughly miserable lady who served me in the shop.

I'm giving serious consideration to buying another to look pretty on my desk.



Omen Misnomer

The friends' baby has still not arrived.

I understand that it will not, therefore, be the Antichrist, after all.

I'm glad that I didn't place a bet – how silly would I have looked now?



Tuesday 5 June 2007

The Power Of Christ Dispels You

Astigmatic:
Someone who experiences a visual defect in which the unequal curvature of one or more refractive surfaces of the eye – usually the cornea – prevents light rays from focusing clearly at one point on the retina, resulting in blurred vision.

A stigmatic:
Someone who experiences bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus.

I really must stop getting those two confused.

It's a good job I don't work as an optician; I could end up really giving somebody a bit of a fright with my diagnosis of their condition.



Monday 4 June 2007

The Mothman Properties

Something rather odd happened last night.

I don't have curtains in my bedroom; I have blinds. Badly fitted blinds, at that.

Well, these badly-fitted blinds were slightly open last night, whilst I was sat in bed working on the computer, and I saw a strange dark shape appear in the corner of the window.

I have no idea what it was, but – if I didn't know any better – I'd say that, whatever it was, it was looking in. Creepy.

Male housemate denies knowledge.



Take It To The Bridge. Please.

I think that the ferrets may be trying to form some sort of rudimentary musical combo.

I say this because they're currently making a loud banging noise by lying on their sides and repeatedly lifting the litter trays up with their back legs.

Their sense of rhythm unfortunately leaves quite a lot to be desired, however. Personally, I'm hoping that it improves soon – if it was only a little bit more regular and rhythmic, I'd be able to GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP whilst they are practicing.

Kill Frenzy's looking quite good again right about now.



Saturday 2 June 2007

For Shame ! ! !

For shame, indeed!

I've made a horrific discovery today.

I discovered that somebody I know very well – somebody I was so certain knew better – has been guilty of a heinous crime.

Yes, they've been using more than one exclamation mark at a time.

Now, many people who know me are already aware that I have an intense dislike of this particular method of punctuation, even when it's being used properly; but to discover this sort of abuse going on right under my nose has been an especially distressing time for me.

If ever there was a punctuational equivalent of adding "Am I right, folks? Am I right? Huh? Huh?" to the end of a bad joke or unwitty remark, it is the compound use of more than one exclamation mark.

Oh, the humanity!



Friday 1 June 2007

When The Jews Return To Zion

Friends of mine are expecting a baby. It's due today, but is still a no-show so far.

Personally, I'm suspecting a few more days of delay.



In a completely unrelated incident, I have just watched The Omen.



Terminal Ferocity

I had an interesting conversation this afternoon with a colleague who disputed the existence of the concept of terminal velocity.

He'd never heard of it before, and was adamant that I was, therefore, simply trying to wind him up and make him look silly.

I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't need my assistance in order to look silly. But, still, it makes me wonder about exactly how seriously he takes me: am I really that much of a wind-up merchant?

Answers on a postcard, please; and two random entrants will be selected to win a brand new tank and a trip to Venus on a flying pony.